Where does it end?

I came to understand that my life as it is, is a mess, a utterly mess. Patches and pieces of unconnected experiences or inexperiences. I need a change, the big change that I need from so much ago. But, how? My flaws are reflected here. How? Time is running fast and everything is getting more and more difficult.

It might be that I am a type of self-exposed individual, too much exposed, I mean, with little sense for self-preservation. Like the bacteria that can live in cold environments, I feel like I am one of them, fit to be cold for ever, unable to grasp the basic elements of human dynamics.

' "That" will make you free', you might say, but I doubt it. Freedom means slavery sometimes, giving-in, awaiting, self-denying. Freedom is against any type of cowardice. Freedom is suffering. But one must be in the right place to take it and taste it to the fullest; to hold the pressure and all the damaging shear. Otherwise, in the wrong side, in the wrong place, life will tear you apart... Eventually.

Where does it end? When?

How long can I take this before I fall apart? Oh, Lord! Make me free, real free... Even if this is something you did not have figured out for me, in the first place.... Otherwise, I am doomed!

**

Sometimes, I get afraid. I can read the lives -fearful lives- of people around me... Now, I can see these guy in front of me in a crowded bar -o, temple of loneliness for the lonesome!-, drinking alone, making crazy gestures unconsciously or careless, talking alone, all by himself. He is young, he probably was a good boy from a good family, held numberless friends time ago. And there he is now, looking like a nut.

Where will it end?
Where did it start?

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